...

What is life if it is not my own what is happiness turned gray what is love that is not real what is pain that doesn't last what is a chance not taken what is a gamble that rarely can be won what is fate stolen what is memories forgotten what is lost hope what is time less spent what is a secret un kept what is knowledge unused what is beauty unseen what is a song unheard what is sin craved what is a lie lived what is a story told what is a hug never felt what is a kiss that doesn't last what is simple but doesnt not work what is sad but true what is less but enough what is more but empty what is here now gone what is left untouched what is cherished now broken what is humility uncovered what is shyness concealed what is silence fading what is a dog with no home what is a child with no mother what is a book not opened what is a page unwritten what is forgiveness unreceived what is a heart of stone what is peace unconceivable what is time standing still what is money wasted what is a dream not chased what is a path not followed what is a bridge never crossed what is a present not unwrapped what is pain hidden what is wind that doesn't carry what is war unfinished what is a car not driven what is fallen leaves what is or can be something

Jesus shine your light on me
when I'm lost and can't be found
when I'm alone no one around
shine on me

clear my head tonight
fill this emptiness
nothing on this earth can fill me like you do
no matter what I achieve it's nothing without you
as I get closer to my end it only brings me closer to you
until that day lets move mountains I'm all yours
until that day I'll walk on water to reach your shores
there's a fire burning deep through my soul
I'm surrounded by this love some have yet to know
we're all searching for that thing that's missing
when it's been here the whole time
when I'm with you
let your love flood my soul
wash away the sin
wash away the pain
the unforgiven, the lost, the hurting
the hardened hearts make them new

If I were to hide behind these eyes would you see could you feel the way I do
and I hope you do
My experiences to learn with the more I learn is a wall being built brick by brick trying to keep all the bad away wish I never knew what had existed would have went through life with my eyes shut only to open them at the right moments

How many times will you and I pass with no smile on our face or words to spill

Life blinking before my eyes and still sam awaits once more

Worse than trying for the first time is starting over trying to go back and make things okay but nothing is undone

...

Just neither opinion because like disagree rest constant silence less time out teasing do always brush you forever hold alone skim wasted comes and never answered while lie forever now know still fears always I'm tired where's melissa you're special aw Addicting spinning lyrics flipped once Twistable call me I love you sucks freakin heck Different laughter plain others go follow breaks friends long lie right stop wondering eyes lips arms cold till people fight empty fast satisfaction passes nothing for end will test pleasure rebel do hold try so people find shut died empty bed alone took a little day someone it even friend until committed me hurt truth honest right know spill said over fault with ditch guess each love position me one too be matter but you new hope than probably

Saturday

can I get two why yes you may there you go no I think this ones for you you paint your thoughts well your life story has crash and burned as these do burn but it's nice all the same you play something familiar but ti's something I haven't heard you belong there where I can't look at you or speak to you our few moments have passed it's fun being you but I can't write or say what's on my thoughts this is part of what I was hoping for and I'm happy it's one of those days when you tell yourself I will never see him again and it's those days that I can smile on or spend forever laughing about a little what was I thinking and I told myself so many things I know not to hold so much truth I am great as I am and that's a lot for me if I could do it all again I'd be many parts of you sleep or distraction to keep you entertained I and my pen me and my paintbrush my thoughts to keep me company silence to clear my head you and your songs you and your guitar a story to tell no one to listen how sad innocently begging for an inch of something a second and a breath something that jingles and kindness that folds and you did

Still October...

10.05.05
Have another sip of coffee and I'll share a secret with you my words bring no meaning no answers no lies or truth they may help pass the time no tears will be shed or will they my words perhaps may bring a smile to your face and if so good for you man I have advice to give I'm sure it's called common sense so I'll say... pay attention and let that be all for now

I saw you conversing in the cold I passed by wearing my sweater and you with nothing to keep you warm except for the thought that someone might be listening... is anyone listening and after passing I think there was nothing I could do but I know that's a lie every now and then I see this boy with no ears and holes in his shoes I wish I could help him a hug and a smile but maybe it's something for him to me it's not enough

To explain it well I can't but I can't just be in church every week and feel like hey now I'm a good person it has to be something to me or else it is a pointless waste of time I have been a Christian my whole life and still I feel a bit wrong saying it I mean after so long and this is where I am and to look at others after only months or so I don't know what hole I need to fill or actions I need to take but something for me is missing something my parents can't force me to have they say it's drama but it's my life maybe it's what I make it maybe it's how it happens I can only wish hope and pray and deal with what I'm dealt
I do hope that you will one day see as I do whether it's right or wrong just to understand another point of view that alone will do you good.

Oct or Nov...

You say my name lie it's alright but it's not the same it's not who I am it's not what I feel it makes me want to scream and I really don't want to deal with you it's not alright it's not okay it doesn't sound the same in any other way no matter how no matter why it's up to me to be satisfied and all you do it's just sad treating me an awful bad but I I'm just me and that's all that really matters I guess

...

You remember me we've never met your hazel eyes I can't forget it's true just gimme a moment I know I'll find your memory hasn't left my mind how did I let you pass me by with no second look

You play and you play you say and you say but I don't listen I don't hear and you're gone cause I'm gone so long I don't want to listen I don't want to hear I don't want to face my deepest fear it's too near and I can't feel my feet

Come in through my window brown eyes and sing me to sleep come in through my window your secrets I will keep come in though my window blue eyes come in I'll share with you my deepest sin come in through my window green eyes and hold me tight alone I may not make it through the night

Our love is a rambled mess a race that we can't win it's a black hole sucking all that's good within should we keep running ahead and hope we'll catch our breath or lay this tragedy to it's death you'll find me in a corner hiding my face for all the good and bad times that can't be replaced and you'll never fine me you'll never try I'm nothing more to you than a slice of apple pie so lies here our goodbyes that neither us can say we're just holding onto perhaps another day

I can't find you your voice your face any spark in your eye I can't feel your breath or hear your heart I can't say if your hands are warm or soft

Men and Women...

Weighed down by embarrassment and faithlessness reaching out and holding onto anything that covers the truth and hides from belief

in what way can I express my love thats never been done or said before to show the desires of my heart to the fullest

there's more than just to live and die to gain to lose in value and wanting

I'll always be that little girl inside afraid to show my face but at the same time dying to smile

So thankful to have this home a family to love and education the freedom knowledge privilege the little things a pillow the shoes on my feet my pain cannot compare to those who have truly lost

may my heart always be honest loving and giving and may I always be able also in building others up that they too may be a blessing

Where did the day go by that night fell so soon I see myself alone with no answers to what I want and feel only feeling that I'll never know

this wall I've built around me keeps out all I've craved for so long I can't even speak my desires would I then be able to mend the past and live fully in my future

I can't take more truth than what I know as hard as I try to comprehend it's so impossible of others even if possible I can't speak to a crowd stand before many or choose to fall

The day I jumped if only I'd jump everyday knowing it could be my last
Right now nothing in my life is as important and never could be

you can't always bring me to smile you won't always see my tears or notice my shame you may never understand what I'm running from I just hope you would never leave my side and stand by me through the greatest storms

...

Can't I just let in what's wrong and hope for the best in something I expect nothing from or rely on what's right and wait for all the mistakes I can admit that something I am sorry for the way I feel in that I sometimes get what I want I don't always know what I want I can't just go with something I'm unsure of it's ofter easier not to think all you know and don't all I do isn't much I miss your smile your touch today was beautiful almost unreal or was it am I just a fool in a dream lost in fantasy dove in too deep never to return I want it right I want it back and to let go do you not see the sighs do you not reach out when I call do you not answer in all my confusion did you ever stop to think of my thoughts and feelings and realize there's nothing wrong with your own

Nothing can explain the desires of my heart into words you would understand or even I you fill so many spaces you cover many memories you hold me in a place that is safe I'm afraid to stay always been afraid wanting to feel anything if it was what I made it reality is what I fear the most it's what hurts scares tares would you fight for me would you think and not hold back would you open your many closed doors can I be trusted there must be more than this more that I can give or try never ending pieces found and scattered broken and mended and forgotten

...

Use to be forever now it seems that never is far too long

I want to be closer to where you are, where your heart races mine

09.24.05
What I can't remember and what I don't know might be far too much

09.25.05
I can't come to you and show you it's okay I can't reach for your hand and tell you it'll be okay so why am I here alone hoping not knowing what to hope for not knowing how to feel and want to expect and except all I know when will I

09.26.05
For you I carry peace for you I carry a broken heart for you I carry lust that tears me apart for you I carry a hole that I've yet to fill for you I carry scars that'll never heal for you I carry trust that has been misplaced for you I carry memories that can't be erased

...

Can't sleep while thinking of you candles burnt out long ago the music now is dim almost unheard your voice softly spoken in my ear your voice not there your smile in the way you look at me none of it is here I miss all that was and all that I'll never have the more I want does it make it right I don't want to hope for that happy ending that is so often dreamed about I just want to be with you to be loved I want to laugh and I want to fight I want to hurt but only if you'll be there to hold me just say what you won't say cause I won't say it who wants to take that first step anyway with nothing to trust at that moment a thought can mean so much

Where has all the good gone you now all I can see is the hate in your eyes and the pain I can no longer feel sorry for It all falls to pieces
I pray a prayer and I don't know why but hopefully in its answers I might find comfort

...

With each hand that reaches and hand I take it's you who is standing there with all the lies and each favorite mistake it was you who didn't care did you ever know you never knew the way I felt inside did you try ever succeed or did you run and hide

I can see and still it's all denied what I wanted what I hated the trust I had trust I lost
In telling you what is it going to change I knew know it's not just in my hands the truth was scared and I 'll always be if I told you to your face would I sleep better would it brighten up a single day

A smile and silence I knew and now this knowing nothing what is not right is right in front of me and if I so desired I could reach out and touch it

Someday I'll awake to fine that none of this matters almost as if it was a dream I can't recall If only so much could be avoided relieved or forgotten

As I pray for you I hope someone said a prayer for me

...

It is what it's like and what I can change and yet its stayed the same I've done nothing and still do and don't I think I say I lay I go it is an empty dream it is a promised end a promise kept and taken for granted not known for what it's worth not excepted with high expectations

turned the fires of life into the flames of hell took the attention of light and decided to fail in success which came so easily that you couldn't let it be face your fears instead fighting demons in your head

I live through you and still I don't live I'm stuck in the undecided and ungrateful

I can't explain how much it has hurt me in losing you in seeing you lose yourself I never said I loved you and now I never will I cry to shed the pain but it's a scar that'll never go away your eyes echo in my thoughts your voice your face no longer the same where have you gone

...

when the sun goes down and all gets quiet I close my eyes and wonder how things could be and think on the way things are time passes and in this another day is done and tomorrow will be the same

As for you I don't know what to think to hold on to hold you back to just keep going as I am wondering if this is all the happiness I'll ever find and when it's gone how long until I am happy again
I see your face rolling in the clouds as your tears fall to the ground and in that moment I know you're here I breathe you in as I her your gentle voice whisper in the wind truely I know this is love

Can't wait for another day to come that I may smile and know I'm given so much more in another day

Rain to make me smile and rain to make me cry rain to awaken to make me tired and still I wonder why

My world...

Can't go back anyway can't change all I've thrown away can't right the wrongs I made so vast can't relieve my sinful past can't trade the poison for the wine can't refuse the food once so devine

here I stand all alone nothing left of my broken home a heart no longer left to mend my choices leading to this end looking down these rainy streets feel the holes under my feet the many chances made so clear yet I decided not to hear now am I this blessed day praying God take me away

So many so few so much I am to do to hear to know strength to carry to hold and touch reaching out in giving and in trust a sign saying TRUTH and it wouldn't be enough

where's my world as I once knew it... where am I now?

Take me back where I can see and know feel and fear

...

A hand that sings looks that love a tire to hold me down so gibbled and gabbled only to make me frown

what I've seen what I haven't seen do I choose not to know do we all this is the world I live in nothing I can do to change that and wouldn't want to try in trying alone I would fail to try would be against what I believe and what I understand I'm sick of the American dream but at the end of the day it's all I live for

I couldn't be the one to reach out to be the one to know and now in its end I live and you're not even a memory just a number just a tragedy I wake up each day and in that alone it means so much for everyday you have not lived all that I am handed more that anything taken from you

I imagine smiling faces
children playing and singing songs
happily married couples resting for the night
grandparents sharing stories
aunts and uncles bearing gifts
I imagine entire lives shattered
unconceivable pain felt
terrible amounts of blood shed
hate I'll never know fear as well

09.02.05
Always tomorrow never comes

when we live and we have lived do we know and do we honestly believe that in this one life so much matters

The rain came pouring down and cries were heard all around we bit our lips and clenched our fists and still we stand

...

axe murderer through the woods where's sarah c'mon sarah shhh be quiet he'll hear you say something keep running swim to the other side

4:30 in the morning and I lied cause something in me died a night I wanted to play but never let myself stay of course I feel thtis now I knew it'd come somehow as soon as I feel alive some distraction will arrive and in it I'll be loose and hold onto all of my truths and act on all my fears when they're the only that is clear my life is not a plan of which I carry in my hand it's more or less a slap placed within my lap should I be the one taking in all of the fun or for my heart and peace of mind should I run

a lover I don't have to love a man once said with meaning in his eyes a lover not to love but to feel in all and only that finding comfort

would this make me happy... do I regret... how many more mistakes do I need to make... do I want to hurt again... is now possible to love... knowing my fears can I face them...

I get these feelings I hold onto them knowing they're not right but I do a thought some words please will I not take action I've said too much

Beautiful strangers around the corner in the hall one too many I'm left feeling quite small take one a glance at a smile passed my way without hesitation I decided not to say but I did do you oh yes I do and then to pass the time kept running hard in circles just to call you mine but it gets tired I'm out of breath get so lonely cannot rest to unwind to start again leaving behind something I came to love back then and still I do

Time...

I hold the weight of this room... of the boy writing at his desk... of the girl who stuffs her face with food... I hold the weight of this room. I hold the weight of this room I hold a weight of the treasure and the weight of the miles... I hold the weight of this room. Yeas it is I who holds the weight of this room. I hold the weight of the DJ and the weight of the bill... I hold the weight of this room. I hold the weight of this room I hold the weight of the flags upon the wall... the weight of great minds... yeas I hold the weight of this room. I hold the weight of this room. the cabinet
whose doors won't stay shut... the tv shoved in the corner... it is I who holds the weight of this room. I hold the weight of this room... it is I who holds the moss... it is I who holds the weight of the dugout... I hold the weight of this room... the weight of the noise... the laughter, the sighs. yes I hold the weight of this room.

Time 03.03.04
Time endless time that doesn't continue... time is classic, it's wasted, it's held. Time is pressing. Time holds us back. Time is feared and loved. Time is ending. Not enough is said in time, not enough is heard or learned or experienced. There's so much more we could do with time. There's so much more we can accomplish. Time looked on is beautiful. We learn from looking back. So much time is spent. So much time is earned and taken.

L.

How to describe the tree standing alone in the distance beyond the yard past the fence past the branches and the leaves a tree is glowing by sunlight trying to reach the sky the bluest of blues still in all these words you could never see what I've seen though you think you do

Always afraid of what's next can't grab onto what I've left behind so little so late so few

I want to jump I want to scream into a crowd of waving hands still that could never satisfy I want to roll around getting lost in the chaos but that feeling couldn't last forever jump off a bridge into the noise but eventually that falling stops and here I am pointless doing it all again but I think I would I'd close my eyes lying in air with nothing to catch me not to sleep not to feel just to be in that I'd smile

All I 'll never say whys it so bad

Down trails forbidden secret crushes hidden the bouncing of a ball leaning against the wall in chances that we take lying naked in the lake a sip of the city to say something witty afraid to grab the rope not afraid to smoke looking at the sky up once house high a ticket in front of all few moments left to stall

Eventually here

It must have been the moonlight...

Missing the sun missing all the honest smiles the night almost done here again telling lies and the truth at the same time no more tic tac toe no more drums or dinosaurs pierced with ever lasting thoughts and the painful memories of metal sleepless nights bum puduhla bend over and take it like the man who's the man and you know why that is yes we all know child kiss me no more for this night I've fallen pirates and booties taste that fades this and that not enough gone so long now found once met time and again burning fire long ago swimming naked and still embarrassment sad no longer takes its claim can't forget sexy strawberries in a glass half empty a tin of emptiness

Pain in my shoe six years old a lie he says a cry she's dead in her head no more all is lost nothing there to begin with but a tainted smile no longer glowing losing its shine make up take up yet none no more the green is darkened to black and no longer can be seen the path broken taken away

Pleasant...

08.10.05
it'll all be over soon so why cry wasted tears going nowhere taking away more than nothing

08.12.05
I see my friends to smile to forget that there's nothing to smile about I look at their faces I look at strangers faces it's all just to pass the time and to fill in all the empty spaces that are worth nothing
The drums roll in and our mind is lost is what we feel pride what is our last memory dying for the ones we love wishing we could live hoping it'll all be over soon
It would take more than the pain you've caused more than the time I'll never have the words I've said more than you're willing to give
I never knew the innocence of a crush I always fell into darkened lust i never knew what it was to trust and to feel the love I once had
in a book now finished and so are we is our true past
it's hard to change what I've become when little by little it's all I know it's who I am
trees breeze and all the fleas shaggy hair hidden stare tiny hips forbidden lips and all else you do if you'd sing it would sting the depths of my soul yet with that sound makes my heart pound harder to hide what I've never felt in you in you in you all the same different enough few any guy like pleasant and you were forgotten