...

Use to be forever now it seems that never is far too long

I want to be closer to where you are, where your heart races mine

09.24.05
What I can't remember and what I don't know might be far too much

09.25.05
I can't come to you and show you it's okay I can't reach for your hand and tell you it'll be okay so why am I here alone hoping not knowing what to hope for not knowing how to feel and want to expect and except all I know when will I

09.26.05
For you I carry peace for you I carry a broken heart for you I carry lust that tears me apart for you I carry a hole that I've yet to fill for you I carry scars that'll never heal for you I carry trust that has been misplaced for you I carry memories that can't be erased

...

Can't sleep while thinking of you candles burnt out long ago the music now is dim almost unheard your voice softly spoken in my ear your voice not there your smile in the way you look at me none of it is here I miss all that was and all that I'll never have the more I want does it make it right I don't want to hope for that happy ending that is so often dreamed about I just want to be with you to be loved I want to laugh and I want to fight I want to hurt but only if you'll be there to hold me just say what you won't say cause I won't say it who wants to take that first step anyway with nothing to trust at that moment a thought can mean so much

Where has all the good gone you now all I can see is the hate in your eyes and the pain I can no longer feel sorry for It all falls to pieces
I pray a prayer and I don't know why but hopefully in its answers I might find comfort

...

With each hand that reaches and hand I take it's you who is standing there with all the lies and each favorite mistake it was you who didn't care did you ever know you never knew the way I felt inside did you try ever succeed or did you run and hide

I can see and still it's all denied what I wanted what I hated the trust I had trust I lost
In telling you what is it going to change I knew know it's not just in my hands the truth was scared and I 'll always be if I told you to your face would I sleep better would it brighten up a single day

A smile and silence I knew and now this knowing nothing what is not right is right in front of me and if I so desired I could reach out and touch it

Someday I'll awake to fine that none of this matters almost as if it was a dream I can't recall If only so much could be avoided relieved or forgotten

As I pray for you I hope someone said a prayer for me

...

It is what it's like and what I can change and yet its stayed the same I've done nothing and still do and don't I think I say I lay I go it is an empty dream it is a promised end a promise kept and taken for granted not known for what it's worth not excepted with high expectations

turned the fires of life into the flames of hell took the attention of light and decided to fail in success which came so easily that you couldn't let it be face your fears instead fighting demons in your head

I live through you and still I don't live I'm stuck in the undecided and ungrateful

I can't explain how much it has hurt me in losing you in seeing you lose yourself I never said I loved you and now I never will I cry to shed the pain but it's a scar that'll never go away your eyes echo in my thoughts your voice your face no longer the same where have you gone

...

when the sun goes down and all gets quiet I close my eyes and wonder how things could be and think on the way things are time passes and in this another day is done and tomorrow will be the same

As for you I don't know what to think to hold on to hold you back to just keep going as I am wondering if this is all the happiness I'll ever find and when it's gone how long until I am happy again
I see your face rolling in the clouds as your tears fall to the ground and in that moment I know you're here I breathe you in as I her your gentle voice whisper in the wind truely I know this is love

Can't wait for another day to come that I may smile and know I'm given so much more in another day

Rain to make me smile and rain to make me cry rain to awaken to make me tired and still I wonder why

My world...

Can't go back anyway can't change all I've thrown away can't right the wrongs I made so vast can't relieve my sinful past can't trade the poison for the wine can't refuse the food once so devine

here I stand all alone nothing left of my broken home a heart no longer left to mend my choices leading to this end looking down these rainy streets feel the holes under my feet the many chances made so clear yet I decided not to hear now am I this blessed day praying God take me away

So many so few so much I am to do to hear to know strength to carry to hold and touch reaching out in giving and in trust a sign saying TRUTH and it wouldn't be enough

where's my world as I once knew it... where am I now?

Take me back where I can see and know feel and fear

...

A hand that sings looks that love a tire to hold me down so gibbled and gabbled only to make me frown

what I've seen what I haven't seen do I choose not to know do we all this is the world I live in nothing I can do to change that and wouldn't want to try in trying alone I would fail to try would be against what I believe and what I understand I'm sick of the American dream but at the end of the day it's all I live for

I couldn't be the one to reach out to be the one to know and now in its end I live and you're not even a memory just a number just a tragedy I wake up each day and in that alone it means so much for everyday you have not lived all that I am handed more that anything taken from you

I imagine smiling faces
children playing and singing songs
happily married couples resting for the night
grandparents sharing stories
aunts and uncles bearing gifts
I imagine entire lives shattered
unconceivable pain felt
terrible amounts of blood shed
hate I'll never know fear as well

09.02.05
Always tomorrow never comes

when we live and we have lived do we know and do we honestly believe that in this one life so much matters

The rain came pouring down and cries were heard all around we bit our lips and clenched our fists and still we stand

...

axe murderer through the woods where's sarah c'mon sarah shhh be quiet he'll hear you say something keep running swim to the other side

4:30 in the morning and I lied cause something in me died a night I wanted to play but never let myself stay of course I feel thtis now I knew it'd come somehow as soon as I feel alive some distraction will arrive and in it I'll be loose and hold onto all of my truths and act on all my fears when they're the only that is clear my life is not a plan of which I carry in my hand it's more or less a slap placed within my lap should I be the one taking in all of the fun or for my heart and peace of mind should I run

a lover I don't have to love a man once said with meaning in his eyes a lover not to love but to feel in all and only that finding comfort

would this make me happy... do I regret... how many more mistakes do I need to make... do I want to hurt again... is now possible to love... knowing my fears can I face them...

I get these feelings I hold onto them knowing they're not right but I do a thought some words please will I not take action I've said too much

Beautiful strangers around the corner in the hall one too many I'm left feeling quite small take one a glance at a smile passed my way without hesitation I decided not to say but I did do you oh yes I do and then to pass the time kept running hard in circles just to call you mine but it gets tired I'm out of breath get so lonely cannot rest to unwind to start again leaving behind something I came to love back then and still I do