Old Thoughts...

Today

I am...

HAPPY

011010
Freedom isn't always doing what you want it's doing what you have to do to have the life you want... often times doing what you want or what your flesh wants is more like bondage and keeps you from having the things you really want in life

..God isn't going to have the angels sing praises if you decide never to smoke or drink lol

Come as you are

Thank God for that cause no one's perfect, and I don't come even close to perfection!!!

I've made my mistakes I could look back on all that could've been but none of it I can change

It's nice to look back and see what didn't work for me and apply it towards my future

All that is in my past is past it isn't who I am today isn't who I want to be or who I'll be in the future

Everything can change in one moment

Change isn't easy

I've been my own problem for so long without knowing it's so easy to point fingers for once I'm at a place where I can be accountable for myself from this point on.. makes me realize I'm the one in control of my life

Woke up to such a beautiful day.. What to do what to do a day like any other but no this one's different Finally awake to what's important push aside what doesn't matter and hold tight to the little things that matter the most I've been rock bottom one day I'll be at the top I'm in no hurry to get there A moment to breathe to enjoy air and life beyond the trees beyond the grass beyond heaven's light Time tells me not to worry it tells me not to rush and get so far ahead of myself sometimes you just have to be still for a minute and all will fall into place if I fall all there is to do is get back up again and risk another scrape or bruise I can take the pain it doesn't last forever Change your thoughts and you can change your world just to look at something in a different way

I find myself searching for truth that isn't there staring into eyes that are empty I wear this fake smile day to day only to find myself further from reality is there this unseen dark cloud above me that will never go away I don't know what to believe I'm starting to question whether I should believe me no one knows or cares to see but you won't take your eyes away it scares me in a way i feel foolish in this in all misery I look forward to each day it can only get better from here or so I choose to believe when does it all stop where do I begin now is just as good as ever only there is no where to begin the wheels have been spinning for quite some time

Fall deep into this night where past meets present where it takes us where we want to go and where we must go our separate ways what did those late nights ever mean anyway and how did we end up here doesn't matter now didn't matter then
Mind empty mind clear thoughts scrambled and blurred aside from the noise what of substance can be heard it's a mess it's a gamble it's eternity a drink here and there what has become of me alone on the streets no longer a game just a sad empty fool is all to remain empty eyes upon an empty soul what shall they see as their lives fly past this sad pathetic me alone on this corner in judgment I stand hoping one of the many could lend a hand


Blah Blah Blah Blah Blog... clouds cover the sky what's new here in good ol Washington.. I miss the way it could have been I miss the way it should have been but it never can or should be so there's nothing to miss at all there's only tomorrow now lighting my way to better days what's this sickness in my soul that pulls towards darkened paths that could carry me away from this place but in all truth I never want to leave So hard to put into words what life has been to me so I won't it's one big fill in the blank mistakes were made we laughed and cried I died or so I thought in the journey of trying to find myself I thought I had to jump I thought I had to fall that if it weren't me to make a splash who could ever see the real me well no one I suppose since it's the real me I have yet to know such beautiful days I've had many and I've had many pass me by trust was thrown out the window since the beginning of time and replaced with fear if I had one goal in this life it would be to be the greatest mom I can be for Caela because she is the world to me knowing just that I don't know much of anything else I have bits and pieces it's hard to put it all together what to learn from it all the good the bad the ugly it's amazing how we view each others lives on the outside without a clue on what's really been going on on the inside

Leaving this dark place soon it seems the more and more I try the deeper I get I wouldn't mind just to stop trying but that just feels like death I want life to live and breathe to be happy no more people to tell me who I am or who I should be what I should do or how I should think I would love to just be me problem is I have to find out who I truly am these walls don't seem to come down and the only thing breaking is me

My angel's asleep so quietly Nothing like them goodnight kisses... Can't wait for "good morning Sunshine" and another day to begin

It doesn't take long to realize you're alone you can feel it in the air you can hear it in the sillence

Who ever thought it would be like this so many got it all wrong fighting through the battered bliss separates the weak from the strong in fighting until that final day when our maker we shall meet we gain and lose along the way for so little we can keep I'll fight these battles with the little or the much that I possess I'll hold tight to all that's good and disregard the rest I see the flames for what they are I'll endure the heat for without it's opposite heaven could never be so sweet

Not that I want you to go away it's something I'd never wish But laying in your eyes that night put fear into my soul Sending shivers down my spine I could not be still for in those few brief moments I was captured by you A mind could kill and yours at will my heart can't bear the thought where does your mind take you or are you afraid to say and in the end would I know it will I feel it in the air the same air that has carried me away with you the air that has carried me alone In this alone I will go if any I shall bear and you without knowing without feeling the saddened air

He keeps me away without keeping at all he knows this much is true there must be will there be never be I pray for the better never I'd live with til my dying day

All or Nothing??

So much So little Never enough

Coffee...and Alcohol don't always mix... my head is pounding!!!

Been Lovin the Sunshine!!

So so long ago once there was a day along with many most I can't recall Still these words remind me of something and nothing at all Lost without knowing ever being lost reaching further into emptiness though once were something there makes me wonder and how I wonder if so much were ever true again and again it plays a little here and there always looking out to see if it were his face I'd see and if it were what song would he sing what tune would he play as he carried secrets day after day with a smile on his face until that smile I took away he drew in silence the freckles on my skin then he danced alone in a crowded room and hidden in the corner I was not alone he strummed his guitar and sang sweetly but never got my name weeks went by good and bad along with the years I guess give me reason take in the light leave the night to past running got us no where when higher we would go say goodbye to no one this day will never end smear lipstick on your cheek and I shall do the same

Jump out the window hoping for nothing cause it seems that nothing is forever more than anything is forever
You took the words away before I could speak It's a life spent trapped within myself no way of breaking out of this constant need to run to get out keeps knocking at the back door always I am here waiting for you cause all I ever do leaves me feeling ???
I can open my eyes and see you standing there when I'm all alone I can feel your fingers run through my hair though you'd never know Is this real what I'm seeing or only what I'm believing either way let it be always and never Hear the sweetest words spill from your lips when not a sound could be heard come back to me or forever be my memory

clear my head my heart won't stop pounding again it's a fight I'll never win I'll just sit back until the end I never thought it'd be this way I never thought at all and as I'm falling I see the past meet the present truth meets lies no beginning to no ending It's time to take a moment and stand still that's when walls come crashing down and memories arise so much left unsaid so much put to past it's better this way as it all slows down can't run forever anyhow

Black white never gray it is something impossible to live up to come to open my eyes to see that this world is all a blur no matter which way you turn Matthew 7:5"You hypocrite! First remove the beam from your own eye, and then you will see clearly enough to remove the speck from your brother's eye." No turning back now no more living for others and their judgements their control over me this weight is lifted I'm learning that as unappealing as can be flaws can be so attractive to see the strength in a person who without a care of any other wears their sin without shame and lives the life they so choose it's not the condemning that will bring them to release the wrongs in their life but the uplifting and support that they can be that better person we all go through these periods of battles within our own lives some people love to see through judgemental eyes when its something they overcame at some point in their life well it's for no one to say how any other should be living their life it is for us to figure out what is right for us and what path we should follow in this one life we are given I'm loving life each new day with new things learned both good and bad the reality is bitter sweet sometimes it's hard to awake from a beautiful dream into the truth that is but it's the challenges that make life so much more rewarding

He was something for a minute in my life I wanted nothing but to have him by my side there's no telling what the heart will do all I can say is always see it through like a new born baby crying like a life long love dying and everything else in between he was something

1.1.07
I wish they all knew me before they judged it's not his eyes or his smile alone it's not the fact that he is thoughtful it's so much more it's his love for me what is beyond the eyes what goes the mind behind every beating chest within each pounding heart what touch is desired with every written word what is left unsaid you make me believe to believe in others and to believe in me you make me whole you make me wonder you make me you break me and heal me you push and pull you are air and fire you are light and rain you are comfort and pain you are everything
9.17.07
to know the beat of my heart would be to know me to know me to love me you'd have to love all of me your hands staind by the dirt of the earth as beads of sweat pour from your face behind those tired eyes is a man ever so humble from the first you look at me thought I'd known your soul it was on fire flames that could blind these eyes thoughts of you pound my chest beating a song within my heart hidden throughtout time how could I look and not smile at the sight when your light sparks my soul it fills me to you I wish you well all life's happiness may all your days be filled with joy and love through sillence all I can say be glad in it I want to be closer than I've ever been all I am is for you I want to live for you all my days you've heard it all before what more to say more to give Take this heart it beats for you let me learn more of you let me shine let me burn til all I am is you when another light goes dim let me burn so all may see let their way not fade from their sight let them hold onto your love live loud laugh hard this is your one chance choose this day this hour make it yours if you never knew I miss you since the day you went away not from all the others but the day you left me I have always loved you the you I knew inside no one could shine like you I hope to see you shining again
10.24.07
Maybe life's hitting us hard for a reason if all has reason all I have is today this is where I'm suppose to be my love she's a piece of me the light of my life more beautiful than I could have imagined her smile, her laugh, even her cry maybe God knew the the last thing I thought I needed was the one thing I needed most

Feeling heavy feeling low this weight is lifted as I go time won't stop me won't stand still it's getting there I find the thrill take this jump come crashing down another day to be found I sense their shadows feel their looks just another passing by no smiles for their empty souls not a single glance take this chance I hear them say it's the never ending thought it haunts me til this day right and wrong fade to one stray too far and all is done the pain is in the unknown not knowing is enough to know the truth could break a man face turned blue green eyes gray missing more and more of you more of true what to feel just to feel all that I can take flow like rivers deep and wide I'll be here always and forever

Turning these pages brings me closer to forever it's that one moment in time the reason of our being it's not in today or the tomorrow that never comes life builds up to it or when faced life as you know may come crashing down don't settle too much in your flesh it's what comes and goes but settle in your mind your heart your soul

Happy...

..

This is LIFE I breathe this is life I give this is now forever is just this what's a second missed what's that moment never to come No days to count my heart goes out to you I love though my eyes don't shed a tear know this.. love and memories will never leave me though tears may dry never to be seen again my love is internal it is a part of me the greatest part and that is where you are kept safe to love and lost when there was never much to lose but so much more to gain and that would keep with me always well it's still here with me every lasting moment every smile and laugh the look of your eyes when they light up your happiness is a gift which keeps giving you have breathed life into me giving me reason to live and love to give lets keep things spinning lets not stop it's only then that tears fall and memories blur standing still waiting to be shaken to the very core eyes grow dark it's sink or swim its been a while it's not the shaking it's the breaking that takes to new highs she was right to say what she had said only I had not truly known when she said it only wish she could take her own advice is it living a lie I'd say it's not living at all an empty shell of a man if tomorrow will not be there what was this day worth what was each day worth No days to count only to count all the blessings in a life not so long

A momment to myself yeah I hardly write much anymore But as Barney plays I'll take a little time aside to fill this blog with some empty words what am I living in is it today tomorrow is it the past I really couldn't say all wrapped up in it all and here I am I know the things I want to change but what have I done to change them with eyes wide shut I take this leap into my future it's the only place left for me to go I care so so much I ask myself do I care at all they all point fingers to say they're right and I'm starting to find a bit of truth on the other side but I hold tight to the truth that I believe it's the only way I know how to get by only one I have control over is me and sometimes enough is enough all there is for me to do is let go because anything else would just be wrong of me it's not something I'd want to live with everyday knowing what I know a smile can be priceless it can chase away the pain like no other days now gone one after another I guess I'm fine really not too bruised and battered after all how'd I fall so hard into rock bottom that I could no longer see the light could be I was just too afraid to open my eyes these words get me no where when there's all I can't say I'm happy today that's all I hope for

Get your freak on such a glow less holy than you ever could imagine I imagine anyway knowing I could be wrong wouldn’t be the first time wouldn’t be my last sun burning the day snow drips away still I wonder where tomorrow will take me and how I made it another day not so bad still so sad but what difference could it make endless tears I’ll break these fears and hold on to the only hope I know to be true in this changing I’m less of me and more of who I’ll become not knowing who that is or who I was I’m lost but further seeking light out of the cold dark no one wants to reach out anymore death creeps in with no one to step in it’s way what a shame who is to blame what got us this far can’t take us back now head on into the lies we tell ourselves that we may sleep at night what’s another soul that’s not your own what’s another tragedy that you have never known with a path unclear I’m left lost in the woods nature becomes my home until I’m found with no one searching I’m sure I’ll be here quite a while few proud moments mean the most there’s no second chances live each day with no regrets it’s the little things in the end a helping hand a phone call a letter in the mail a photograph the list is infinite what more can I do well anything is more than nothing and that something may be the difference in a life forgotten you wouldn’t take a second glance but I saw a glow and behold a smile that I’ll forver keep can’t feel bad about the moments lost but hold tight to all pure moments gained listen to each beat there’s a voice within each soul speaking louder than words less clear there once a man a broken man he couldn’t stand that day my eyes stood still I felt his will that night I thought I’d pray chasing the past with no regret I came to find that I was standing there and throughout my prayer an angel was at his side the little I have lost what yet I have to gain forever in this hope I’ll remain no longer seeking perfection unobtainable to man I’ll live this life doing what I will and doing what I can your judgments cast before me fall to me feet I go as I please and live each day without regret in this how can one be more or less "holy" don’t be one

Take me down where I can be anywhere but alone shots ringing in my drums can't see past the smiles I can't feel whoa I got it bad this time I can't move open the doors take me to my doom where I can scream and hear no more shut my eyes to the world and shake in this so called living we all just want to be never knowing is the key lets keep on be gone she said to me doesn't matter never never could never would or should it be the consequences hold me to this that I am a fool for all I am is mystery free happy to the naked eye I lost every piece of you that night a smile a pretty face all that matters in the chaos in full moons light slipping away from life long enough to breathe to melt sins burden to find something to make existing worthwhile

This sickness has to end one deep breath after another closer to feeling better at least one should hope though we would go our seperate ways but still every now and then you have stayed our words were many now are few you have changed in many ways many I have not seen I have changed as well we no longer sit and stare and take in air or climb so high towards night sky your mystery no longer excites your filth no longer a burden a walk to the lake a midnight night swim and I couldn't remember your face in the sea of faces those I do not wish to remember those I may never forget half way across the world and you end up right where we started a better man will do no better to be found settling will do along with another round stronger this time last longer it's fine until I lay my head I blame you for the shakes that do not cease the laughter at 2a.m. and hope for a better tomorrow gone are the days the sun has set on two lovers their hands could not be kept slowly dancing all disappeared into yesterday

The forgotten comes to haunt but no sound leaves this mouth.. no words.. empty sillence.. all we have is this all we have is now.. a force pulls deep within wanting to care for all and nothing but what say do I have in it all.. what say do I have in this.. no choice is mine.. this is my life all I know of it.. and I have no desire to dwell on what could've been if it could've it would have.. but it's left me with words of bitterness that I hold to be true it's all I've ever known all I wish to know.. my heart can no longer reach out moving forward is all I know.. away from my past is all I desire.. so caught up in yesterday have we forgotten today until tomorrow then what of tomorrow it all becomes past.. she says it with a smile he says it with truth they all say different they all mean the same.. I know all I wish to know the rest has no meaning to me.. my life is where it needs to be.. it's a choice I've made based on a choice you've made.. you must live as I do live.. with no regret.. forgiveness yes.. second chances worn out so long ago.. maybe this time just never came maybe this time is something I gave up on.. and in that the surffering ended.. you can only be polite for so long, you can only give so much, hope doesn't last forever.. I've learned from your mistakes there's nothing more I wish for you to teach me.. I'm forever living trying to rid myself of the shadows that fell apon me.. you've taken life after life from me.. still I wish you well

running out of time space air sometimes I forget to breathe gasping for air I collect my thoughts not knowing where they take me heart pounds earth shakes screaming insanity this too shall pass and after all has past I'll be dead and gone so why keep waiting for the passing when it's the lasting that means the most close my eyes take a sip from this empty glass thirsty eyes awaken my weakend breath sorrow dead and burried when it's the past that hurts the most no sorrow ever really gone at all each beat sinking faster into tomorrow there's no escape so why wait there'll be no waiting I hated you only to hate myself happiness became a blur nights long days few with all with nothing here comes tomorrow

Seeing makes me wonder where I could have been who I could have been today but something tells me I am exactly where I need to be right at this moment there's no mountains I want to climb just let me breathe and take it all in cause by tomorrow it will all fade away let me stay just for today I wanna be looking in her eyes what could be more beautiful watching her smile she glows and in her happiness I know I'm blessed can these pieces be kept for a lifetime so impossible still I try it seems the older she gets the faster I'm running just to catch it all in time there's no where else I'd rather be and no one else but me

Spinning never got me that white blinding dream couldn't feel couldn't see the pain it had in front of me and now I sit I stare I pull my hair til it bleeds my mind feeds on the lies on the tears left to dry on these walls you took the pages took the ceiling and the floor keep taking as I'm breaking empty bottles on these streets you left me standing all alone in the dark til I found the light you then burnt out I can't take it so I'll give it you may have it all for all it's worth I have no worth in your eyes endless lies reflect truth it isn't there couldn't care wouldn't hurt a what never say shut up when you're not speaking I won't say a word I won't exist I can't resist breaking this sillence I know it gets you I don't get you what upsets you this broken mirror see a bit clearer if you'd just take a look a single glance now's your chance but you won't break the chain




This world is circles no ending to what beginning making all unclear only to find what we were missing was nothing at all but more than anything is something and that I've come to find maybe I would have been better off had I lost my mind all I want all I need never mattered never could tomorrow is nothing new yet nothing is the same door one or two you live life life is lived than you are gone what's a chance anyway a choice I understand it's yes or no black white good or bad is just the same if not this than that so what's it going to be time wastes away no time is being spent on nothing on all that matters which will it be you decide but why not today tomorrow nevers comes and this is all you'll ever be take it or leave it he said she said he did what he could more than he should she took a chance on nothing she traded it all for everything why this why now why not this why not now looking back on all I miss looking back on all I've gained all I love life's nothings life's everythings the nights to come the days to follow what a wonderful world

who will it be oh yes I do recall your name it's on the tip of my tongue I heard it once in a dream when all was quiet we ran so hard our hearts melted in the wind that blew forever and never is all it takes close your eyes and hold tight to brown ribbon fading fast can you get high I've been so high the clouds were far below me you could never know me less you knew this simple fact I walk these streets alone at night just the way I like it all goes black no turning back to where it were I was before he he and they say please forgive her what's there to forgive I want to live this life it's the only one I've got they say quiet girl yet I haven't said a word always been unheard til now but I've got nothing to say they see a lonely girl is she a broken girl no I bet she don't cry unless she laughs til she cries yeah that's the way it is lets all join now and point fingers to those we love and pretend to love it's all the same I'll paint a picture promise you'll remember me no I love you I loved you know that it's true we talked for hours and our time has past it's the good that don't last just not tooday he still sits behind the window staring into my soul and someday maybe someday I'll go back to that street light I'll wait for his return he won't be back you were blue eyes sillent and pure at the time those blue eyes fade to gray and I'm not sure what the truth is anymore does truth really exist what it is to miss you wishing you were here and why am I still here nothing ever made sense tomorrow's coming sooner than expected and I still can't figure out today this journey call it what you will what to choose wha wha wha sillence sillence sillence

up in a tree no where to go but down from here where I can see such greenery and you who brought my way a night filled laughter if I could be anywhere with anyone I'd be no where else but here with you always and if that were true why are we still here in this same place never knowing what tomorrow will bring beauty beautiful you are and so you are nothing more than a pretty face break all your mirrors it's clear girl and now you know it well spoke too soon did I ever speak at all I'm just waiting for all to get better when there is nothing left to fix write me a letter you're so far away from home I told you most everything just forgot to tell the truth and so you work and play and slave away I still miss you he sleeps and dreams and often sings I still love you don't want to walk this road alone don't want to carry all thats gone will you remember me a night so cold on a rooftop in July will you play me songs never grow old I promise not to cry this time I'll try harder I will you were away too soon you were away too well you were so much I couldn't take and taking nothing is all I could do until there was nothing left of you I see it now couldn't see it then couldn't hide the truth you'd always win here's a sunrise to remember me and a pencil to forget waves crash on shore toes sinking into sand brown eyed girl this is where you belong it may sting a little but you'll learn a lot let it be and be some more it'll be okay

See into these dark eyes it's not just in the night that I dream feel these weights that hold me down like you wouldn't believe this

Time stands still when she sleeps...

BLOW...

BLOW just one blow
keeps you going until the end
you’ll get lost without knowing
who’s your enemy or friend
opening the eyes of your son
not knowing what it would do
believing he’d be something more
but he ended up just like you
ashamed of your son
and what he came to be
having all you ever wanted
still never to be happy
wealth was all that mattered
and all the blow you could take
to live so unstable
was your biggest mistake
a dedicated father
with only love to give
just wanting to be with you
he lost his freedom to live
friend from the beginning
together you got to the top
but once you betrayed him
your dreams came to a stop
overcoming all
your life handed to you on a platter
then all you worked for was gone
as you fell off the ladder